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New Mother: A Journey on Lonely Road! (Part 1)

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A Journey on Lonely Road!

Introduction

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Since the world is being ruled by men, therefore, the motherhood is the most ignored, but important evolution of this planet.

This article will cover all the aspects of life happening in the case of New Mothers.

Let’s dive into the topic without wasting any more time.

Real-Life Incident

The suicide of a Mother with “Perfect Life”.  Allison Goldstein had the “perfect” life in person or online.

Outside. She seemed happy and healthy, with a good job, a loving husband, and a beautiful baby girl.

Inside Within. But the truth is, inside Allison a storm was raging. Inside Allison, undiagnosed and untreated illness was festering and growing, and she was drowning in a sea of depression.New Mothers Despite having everything to live for, Allison Goldstein desperately wanted to die.

So she wrote a goodbye email, in which she apologized to her family, writing, “I’m so sorry that I didn’t know how to describe this pain [to you] and [how to] seek help.” 

She then dropped her 4-month-old daughter off at daycare, drove down a dirt road, and killed herself.

PPD. But there is more to Allison and her story than the upsetting manner in which she died.

As her parents, David and Carol Matthews explained in an interview with NBC 12  last week, Allison’s story could be any mother’s story, and their loss and grief could be any family’s grief.

Because of the Chesterfield, Virginia’s mother became one of the 900,000 moms affected by Postpartum Depression (PPD) in America this year alone.

“If this can happen to Allison, it can happen to anybody. Even to your wife, daughter, sister, etc.

Nil Symptoms. Before Allison’s death, her family admits they had no idea she was struggling with PPD.

Even Allison’s own email revealed that she didn’t know she had PPD — all she did know was that she was hurting.

The first-time mom knew she should be celebrating the “happiest days of her life,” but she couldn’t, and she didn’t know how to express what she was feeling.

So instead of asking for help, she tried to push through the pain.

Brave Face. She kept a smile on her face and, as her father explained, held her head high, showing no signs of her struggles. There were no “red flags.”

“Just the days before, she was just the happiest, smiling, showing no signs at all of any internal emotional distress,” said her father David.

So the mothers struggle in secret.

 They struggle in silence.

PPD: Surprising Facts

The only difference between Allison and a surviving mother is that the later got lucky. Fate or faith intervened, and she got help. But not all mothers are as lucky.

This is more common than you think but can go undiagnosed many a time. Even doctors are unable to diagnose the condition most of the time.

Symptoms. The common assumption is that postpartum depression is typically marked by obvious changes in sleeping habits and eating habits, bouts of crying, anger, anxiety, and rage — however, PPD symptoms are numerous and varied, and not all of these symptoms can be seen outwardly.

New Mothers

The woman goes through pain and sadness along with mood swings due to hormonal changes and there is no support or help that can be offered as there is no understanding of the situation.

Many of these symptoms are invisible to friends, colleagues, and even family.

Feelings. In fact, according to Postpartum Progress, most PPD symptoms are internal and include feelings such as guilt, worthlessness, emptiness, numbness, hopelessness, and despair.

Sure, many who have postpartum depression display outward symptoms:

They may scream or cry often; they may pull back and withdraw from others. But some do not. Because some new moms hide these feelings and bury these emotions.

Dark Secrets. Some news moms keep their erratic and “crazy” thoughts a secret because if they admit they are having them — that they are struggling to bond with their baby or fantasizing about running away from their family and their life — they may be judged.

They feel they are bad and inadequate, and as wives, mothers, and women, they feel they are failing.

Related Problems

Been There. Done That. No amount of preparation can prepare new parents for the advent of the baby. There are sleepless nights, anxiety and tiredness at all times.

Most of the new parents are overwhelmed as they have no clue about handling the new baby.

The first few months of the baby’s life is dominated by demand feeds and diaper changes. These are mother-centric jobs and may take up most of her day and nights!

Mother’s House Arrest. The first 40 days see the mother ensconced in her room as Indian tradition deems that women should not be allowed to move out during this time.

There are many names to it. Some call it Jaapaa, some Chaliya and so on.

This makes things difficult as the mother becomes fully dependent on others to do small tasks that she can otherwise do herself.
New Mothers

Paternal Discounts. Although some companies have started giving new fathers parental leave, such luxuries are hard to come by. But, in reality, the baby care issues are automatically relegated to the mother.

Fathers plan their other pending jobs.

Arranged” Problem. The situation is worse if it is an arranged marriage and the couple has had no time to acclimatize to each other and the wife got pregnant even hitting her before the first marriage anniversary.New Mothers Cluelessness. They are unaware of each other’s personalities and there is an emotional disconnect that keeps them from understanding their spouse. This creates issues with the marriage in general.

As there is no emotional bond between the spouses, the intimacy which was scarce, to begin with, shreds with the added strain of caring for the baby.

If you don’t share a good relationship with your “arranged husband”, then God may save your soul.

The wife may switch off completely in these cases making the needs of the baby her excuse to shun intimacy and sex. This may escalate into fights and create a gulf between the husband and wife.

Sex. Who does not get enamoured by the little bundle of joy they have planned for and waited eagerly for? The entire focus shifts from the couple to the child.

The sex life which may have been unsatisfactory in the first place may become untenable after the baby.
New Mothers

The new demands of parenthood may make the sex life of even the most intimate couples go out of sync

The husband needs to understand the physical, emotional and hormonal state of the new mother and should give her time to adjust before trying to initiate sex.

In the first couple of months, the mother may feel too drained to make an effort.

Changed Family Dynamics. There is a sea change in family dynamics.

The carefree couple becomes parents and the dynamics of the relationship changes. It is a bonus if the couple is in sync as this can often be a stressful time.

The arranged marriage sees couples in disarray, while the families of love-struck couples often play truant.

Changed Life. The marriage changes in alignment.

Suddenly, the wife is very engrossed in the child/children and it becomes difficult for the husband to understand the change.
New Mothers

The father is confused as he is not the one who has undergone the pregnancy and childbirth.

The maternal feelings are generally in play within hours of the birth, while fathers take more time to adjust to the change.

The man must be in sync with his wife to appreciate the emotional needs that are generated in this phase.

The husband often feels left out and may even feel jealous of the baby who takes center stage in his wife’s life.

The aims and objectives of the family change. The lifestyle of the couple changes drastically.

No Income. The new mother often has no source of income as she has to take a break from work.

Health Issues. If there are no health issues, she can maybe work till term, but to be at ease with the new baby at least 6 months of staying at home is ideal.

Long Professional Break. Many mothers like to take a couple of years off until their child is ready for school. This may apply brakes to her career. A loss of income when expenses skyrocket may spell trouble for the couple.
New MothersNew Financial Blow. The financial outlay that is required for the child’s upbringing is generally a huge surprise for unprepared parents and may lead to a financial crunch.

Money Matters! It has been studied that most couples have major disagreements about money. This may mean a disruption in family life.

The disharmony may prove to be the end of intimacy and may lead to poor sex life. This, in turn, creates frustration and a vicious cycle is created.

Old is Gold? Not Always! During the later part of pregnancy or after delivery, many times couples’ (boy or girl or both) parents visit their home for a few months in order to help.

The aim of this visit is to help the new mother in baby care and help her understand the trick of new life.

This may also put a twist in the relationship status as privacy is further compromised.

The parents themselves in old age, sometimes end up becoming more of a liability for the couple, then any sort of help in baby care.An East Indian Couple

Due to various ailments like Diabetes, they need food on time, visit for doctor’s consultations and other sorts of medical help like physiotherapy, etc. Due to weak eyesight (and shaking hands and body), they need help to drive around from one place to another.

So, in addition to helping the couple in helping with baby care, they end up becoming a big liability for the couple.

Problematic Mothers-in-Law. In many cases, it has been witnessed that due to the sour relationship between the new mother (daughter-in-law) and her mother-in-law, the later just land up for the sake showing the society that she was around her daughter-in-law, to help when she delivered her baby.

New Mothers

But in reality, she ends up becoming the pain in the neck for the new mother, who is anyway struggling with her baby/ babies. This issue further escalates the natural problems of the new mother.

Mother-in-law, being the mother of her husband, always gets the advantage in front of her son. So, the SILENT WAR continues between daughter-in-law and mother-in-law, along with the struggle of the new mother with respect to PPD and baby care.

Courtesy – Youtube

To be continued as New Mother: A Journey On Lonely Road! (Part 2)

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Courtesy:-https://www.babble.com/parenting/new-mom-allison-goldstein-takes-her-own-life-after-suffering-in-silence-from-postpartum-depression/

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