Orgasm: A Distant Dream?

Expectations 

The moans and sighs often belie what is actually going on in a woman’s mind and body when she is in the throes of passion. The fervour of orgasm is not only physical but also requires a mental bond with her partner to reach a true climax.

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Reality. Many an Indian woman is not aware of the needs of her body and looks at orgasms as a luxury that sexual congress may never provide.

The culprit behind this phenomenon could be the pressure of gender equality. The woman was always seen as a chattel in most communities.

Wives were taught to be submissive, marital rape is not even an offense in this country.

It could be the tendency towards an arranged marriage, where the girl is but a commodity to be married off with a fat dowry that allows the man to dominate.

Some Unanswered Questions

Have you ever come across any man feeling worried about the fact whether his wife or partner has experienced orgasm ever?

Is orgasm only man's cup of tea and its the responsibility of women to ensure a 100% success rate every time in action?

Is there any course or syllabus in school or college which informs women about orgasm or its importance.

The next step for marriage is the "first night", and the whole world is aware that the groom and bride will have sex for the first time (Indian assumption!). But anyone from parents from both families ever cares to talk to the newlywed couple to ensure that first experience ends up in best experience? It is conveniently assumed that everything will be fine!

Do parents ever care to find out what type of performance happened between the bride and groom during the first night? If something went wrong then how to solve the issue?

Background

The vast majority of Indians still believe in a patriarchal system of society.

This comes as no surprise in our country as the Gender divide is yawning even from birth. The girls are generally asked to be subservient to their brothers.

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Higher education is still skewed towards the male child as he is seen as the provider and the wife is seen as the homemaker. Perceptions may be a little fluid in metropolitan cities but the popular mindset is male-centric.

The quintessential societal norm is that the girls follow the lead of their male counterparts. This may sound archaic but it is true.

Matrimonial Blockades. Marriages are deemed as destined.

It may be a love marriage (which is still not the norm) or an arranged marriage, the groom’s side is still the dominant one. This is prevalent even in urban India.

A study on how many men have shifted to another city for the sake of the wife’s career and how many women have sacrificed their careers for the sake of their spouses makes the situation glaringly clear.

There is a lack of awareness of sex. The culprit behind this is the mindset of Indian parents who bring you repressed and cloistered children.

There is no sex education or open talk about relationships and what they entail with children. These impressionable minds seek knowledge outside.

There is a danger of sexually transmitted diseases and unwanted pregnancy because of lack of awareness. These complications can be there even when the girl is in a relationship where she neither is comfortable with the sexual encounters and orgasms and pleasure are definitely not the flavour of the day.

Is your Biological Clock Ticking? The times are changing in Urban India with more and more men and women opting to marry late. This may be to pursue higher education or a career. The trend to marry in the ’30s or even forties has led to a spate of issues that were non-existent even a couple of decades ago.

The urge to put education to good use precedes the urge to settle down.

This definitely does not mean that biological needs are not making their presence felt. Pre-marital consensual sex is common today. There are many instances when the relationship is not strong fundamentally but the lure of physical satisfaction is too much to ignore.

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First Night with a Stranger!. Half-baked ideas about sex and the pressure from the man’s side to consummate the relationship create a situation where the girl rushes into a sexual encounter on her “Wedding Night”.

Sounds a little a weird that you get married to a complete stranger and are expected to be sexually intimate with him soon after. But, unfortunately, it is common in our country. Many a time parents are completing their familial duty by ‘settling’ their daughters down. This may lead to a life of compromise and strife.

Resultant Impact. The compromise is not only on the quality of life but also on the intimacy of the couple. If the sex was uncomfortable or in worst case scenarios forced, the couple’s happiness is marred for life.

The marriage bed makes for nearly 50% of the marriage vows. The couples who do not have a healthy sex life suffer from many issues. Many compromises and sacrifices become palatable when love is there.

Unhappy Marriages. When your sex life is not satisfactory, irritability and frustration sets in. You are not happy in your marriage and the cracks become visible. The constant strain of keeping your unhappiness from your spouse makes life unbearable.

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Working women may feel the strain more as loneliness and monotony sets in. Professional life may also suffer.

Delayed Pregnancies. The pressure to have a child is also huge when you marry late. The couple may have to face the relatives and parents who can be relentless in their nagging.

Baby - Bundle of Stress. The new member (baby) in your family gives you much joy, but also changes the relationship you share with your spouse. Busy parents lose interest in personal relationships for some time and in many an Indian marriage scenario forever. This may lead to inadequate sex lives as the baby takes up most of your time and energy.

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Baby Again? Repeated pregnancies, in short, is a huge strain (in anticipation of a male child) on the woman’s body to conceive and deliver a baby. It is important that she regains physical and mental agility without getting overwhelmed with a second pregnancy.

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It may also stress the family financially. This leads to frayed nerves, uncertain tempers and ultimately anger. This may cause the sex life to be unfruitful, and then the vicious cycle gets even worse.

Trigger Point. These dire situations can be the precursor to extra-marital sex or relationships. This is an increasingly common phenomenon today and the root cause is the sexual dissatisfaction. Lack of sex or unsatisfactory sex has been known to even lead to divorce in extreme cases.

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Future Impact. The constant friction between the parents leave the children traumatized and scared and can set into motion a chain of events that leaves the entire family broken and shattered. The basic problem is lack of orgasms and we fail to read the signs!

Final Outcome of this Chaos

Most women don’t know what an orgasm is. There are no actual signs like ejaculation (in men) that are the same for all women. The general sensation of pleasure may be termed as an orgasm.

Background stress created by lack of orgasms can be very detrimental to female health. Orgasms are the font of youth. They release good hormones, relieve stress and keep the skin and mood happy.

So, what happens when you feel that something is missing every time you have sex? You develop stress and depression. These are debilitating diseases that feed more unhealthy traits.

Sex is just not the act of physical copulation. Intimacy is more in the mind. A couple who is in emotional sync with each other is more likely to have mind-blowing sex.

A man reaches orgasm by ejaculating, but it is more complex in women.

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Female orgasms also have an emotional component. You need to feel comfortable and loved before you can lower your defences and let yourself seek fulfillment.

This brings to mind the often-heard quote – “Man needs a space for sex but a woman needs a reason.”

Understanding Orgasm

Some women might come by manipulating the clitoris, while others may need some other form of stimulation. Foreplay plays an important role in triggering an orgasm. Women need more time to come than men and so are often left high and dry (pun intended).

Orgasms are of 3 types:-

(a) Vaginal orgasms happen during intercourse.

(b) Clitoral orgasms happen when the clitoris is pleasured.

(c) Blended ones need both.

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The physiology lesson apart, orgasms are a state of mind too.

Some women can achieve orgasm by stimulating the nipples too.

The G-spot. This is also called the Gräfenberg spot (for German gynecologist Ernst Gräfenberg), is characterized as an erogenous area of the vagina that, when stimulated, may lead to strong sexual arousal, powerful orgasms and potential female ejaculation.

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How to trace G Spot? Put lube on your middle finger and insert it into your vagina with your palm facing up. Your G-spot is on the top wall of your vagina halfway between your vaginal opening and cervix. The spot should feel a little rough, almost like the surface of a walnut.

How to arouse G Spot? You must be sexually aroused to be able to locate your G-spot. To find it, try rubbing your finger in a beckoning motion along the roof of your vagina while you're in a squatting or sitting position, or have your partner massage the upper surface of your vagina until you notice a particularly sensitive area.

Erogenous zones may be manipulated to create a feeling of falling apart, shattering into pieces, becoming boneless and so on. All women describe orgasm differently.

The orgasm has been a topic of discussion in many forums as there is a class of women who want that women should be empowered to feel orgasms and ask for it during sex.

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Orgasms are nature’s way of helping you relax, fight stress and even headaches. The process releases hormones that aid health and fight depression. It is every woman’s right and awareness needs to be spread about it.

Explicit Truth: Are you faking Orgasm?

If the sexual act is mechanical and you look at it as a chore to complete, you might be tempted to fake it.

The trick is to know what your body needs and to ensure fulfillment.

Is sex boring and unfulfilling? That may prompt many women to fake the orgasm.

We know that we have done so on many occasions only to get it over with as we had a long and tiring day.

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The women often feel the need to keep male egos satisfied and fake orgasms. This makes their partner feel good and more manly about their prowess in bed.

This is wrong! Your partner needs to know. It is not wrong to talk about your pleasure or lack of mood with your partner.

You do own your body and should have the right to use it when you want for sex.

Does your partner even care?

Guilt in woman asking for pleasure is common. Indian men are repressive about sex. It is simply an act to relieve frustration and becomes a selfish act.

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There is little education that women need and should receive pleasure too.

Talking about sex is considered dirty. Your partner may never know your desires and cravings. You may never have a common fantasy.

Slutty Act. It is a social prejudice that is ingrained in Indian women that they are not to ask for pleasure. It may make them seem amoral. Men often see women who ask for pleasure openly as slutty and may demean them.

Need of the Hour

It is important that men treat women as their partners and not possessions. Talk about your needs and wants. After all, he is your life partner. Sex is an important part of any marriage and needs to be given huge importance.

It is important that you and your partner see eye to eye about sex. You should talk openly about what you like during sex and guide him to stimulate your erogenous zones. Once you get talking, try exchanging fantasies.

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If necessary go to a marriage counselor or sexologist if you have an issue.

Trying to do so may actually save your marriage. There is no shame in asking for the right to enjoy your body during sex. Be guilt free and ask for what you want.

Need a man to close the deal?

Even after all your trials if you are unable to reach orgasm with your partner, do what any smart lady will do.

Buy yourself a vibrator.

It is very important that you learn to pleasure yourself before you expect the favour of your partner. Your body is best known to you.

Some like circular motions on the clitoris, some like fingering the outer lips of the vagina, while others may like a vibrator. A study shows that 92% of women come when you use a vibrator within 3-4 minutes.

Masturbation should be seen as a healthy alternative or even as a stimulant while having sex with your partner.

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There is nothing more arousing than watching a woman pleasure herself is the verdict of most men. Learn how your body finds release and do not rely only on your partner.

Type of Sex Toys. There are many types of sex toys available in the market and also online. The list of toys that aid female orgasms is large.

Dildo and vibrators built to stimulate your clitoris and G-spot are available in a variety of shapes, sizes and colours. Look for the one that suits you best. Most women come through clitoral stimulation, so vibrators work the best.

There is a sense of freedom when you take matters in your own hands. There is no dependence or guilt in asking a partner to pleasure you.

Choose the toy that suits you best, or simply use your fingers and a good lubricant to play, explore and reach orgasm.

A real Life incident. A woman has launched a scathing attack against a sex toy company after a battery in her brand new vibrator exploded, hit the ceiling and then scorched her jumper.

She had bought the Buzz Tongue Finger vibrator from an online retailer ‘Lovehoney.co.uk’ for £4, reduced from £12, but claims, when she picked it up, the battery pack flew out with such force it hit the ceiling leaving a black mark.

Moral of the story. Don’t try to save money by purchasing sex toys on sale or discounted prices. Buy branded products that come with the guarantee.

Very few women can orgasm during penetrative sex as the vagina is incapable of producing an orgasm. So rub your clitoris to give yourself the ultimate pleasure.

If your man is also included in the fun, he gets an invaluable lesson in pleasing you.

You are in charge and the only one who is responsible for your own physical and mental well-being.

Health issues for missing Orgasm

Orgasms keep you healthy. There is a flow of hormones that keep you in good health. Serotonin is released during orgasm. This is also called the happiness hormone. The general health of the woman is good. A happy sex life keeps the mood happy and irritability is a thing of the past.

Although it sounds farfetched, it is true that lack of orgasms may cause chronic stress.

Emotional Impact. Women who cannot reach orgasm during sex are often unconfident about their looks. They may suffer from low self-esteem and poor body image syndrome. They, in turn, are prey to eating disorders and other mental health issues. They feel unloved and lonely and can often be severely depressed.

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This may lead to binge eating and obesity. You tend to eat so as to compensate for the release of serotonin only when you experience orgasm.

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Diseases like hypertension and diabetes strike when stress levels are high.

Migraine and other types of tension headaches may also be evident in females who have no or very few orgasms.

Lack of orgasms may, in the long run, make you sick, rob you of joy and may even lead to depression.

Why Orgasm is Important?

Sex is supposed to relax you. It is not a physical chore to get over with. It needs active participation from both partners. It is not necessary that you will orgasm every time you have sex, but that should be an aberration, not a norm. Both partners need sexual release.

Find your Mojo and stave off these issues and Death! Have more pleasurable sex.

Skin and hair glow when the hormones secreted when orgasms happen are secreted. It is not a myth that a woman well-loved is noticeable.

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Good sex with real orgasms keeps you young and healthy. Your good mood keeps the marriage strong and the home happy.

Recommended Solutions

Social Change. Society at large and parents in particular need to be open about sex. It should not be a taboo word.

There are ancient texts in the Hindu mythology and folk lore that glorify sex. Nothing is unnatural or dirty about sex if there is a consensus.

Sex Education. This should be communicated to each child by parents and teachers. Sex education is extremely important.

Touch Lessons. Teach the child about good touch and bad touch. Once she grows older she should come to terms with her burgeoning body. It is important that the parents are open with children about sex education. Or else the teenager may be tempted to experiment and ultimately face dire consequences.

Education and awareness of good sexual habits is the crux of the matter. The schools should offer sex education and make children aware of the consequences of unsafe sex. The child who is armed with knowledge is also armed with prudence.

Parental Guidance. If the teenager is able to communicate with parents openly, the issues that prevail in early youth will impact her less. She will always have a sympathetic ear and good advice to keep her safe and happy.

Understanding that sex and orgasms are natural phenomena and she is entitled to enjoy them at the appropriate age and time with the right partner goes a long way to keep women happy and sated.

Choose education over prejudice and awareness over confusion. Sex is a natural drive and should be enjoyed to the full.

Orgasms are a part of the woman’s well-being and she should not be denied the pleasure.

Teach your daughter that it is not bad to seek pleasure and your sons not to be selfish with their partners. Teach them the value of good and enduring relationships.

There is an old adage, marry in haste and repent in leisure. It is very true even today.

Marriage. Both boys and girls should not rush into marriage without ascertaining the relationship is stable and loving. Never be pushed into marriage by your parents. The decision to get married and be together should be a mutual one, without any pressure from both sides.

Parents should also comprehend that they have raised educated and strong children who know their minds. They should carry out a few mandatory background checks to ensure that their child has not lost their heart to an unscrupulous person out to take advantage of her or him.

After this is done, the parents should leave the decision to the young adults themselves.

Open minded and understanding parents let the child have the freedom to choose their life partner.

The pressure to marry may create unnecessary haste and lead to wrong choices and lifelong pain.

Arranged Marriage. It is advisable that if you have had no chance to know your partner before your marriage, attempt to create a friendship before initiating a sexual relationship. This will help when you try cementing the relationship into parenthood.

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Most married couples turn into single-minded parents and forget about the relationship that brought them together in the first place, that of lovers and spouses.

Spouse’s Open Talk. Lack of pleasurable sex (read orgasms and fulfillment) fights and irritable outbursts. These can be caused by the background of sexual tension that pervades the relationship. This can be only be relieved if the couple decides to talk openly on the subject and resolve matters.

It is a well-known fact that couples who are happy in bed are also reasonably happy outside of it.

Many problems can find solutions through simple discussion. Talking openly about your needs and wants, sexual fantasies and pleasures can resolve any kind of issues. There should be no shame in sharing your thoughts with your partner.

Explore New Ways. There are many ways that you can bring back the zing to your marriage.

1. Foreplay is the most important part of having sex. Spend time exploring each other’s bodies and enjoy the path without hurrying into penetrative sex.
2. Talk dirty. This turns on many women, as she sees the act as a declaration that the man desires her. Feeling desired for her own self is the strongest mood enhancer.

3. Use a sex toy like a vibrator to stimulate the clitoris.

4. Have fun, try new positions and new places to have sex.

5. Be open about what pleasures you and encourage your partner to indulge in your wildest fantasies.

6. Most importantly intimacy of the mind is what brings out the most powerful orgasms in women.

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Seek Help - Counselling. You may look to read on the subject, talk to friends who are empathetic or even visit a sexologist or counsellor.

Keep Talking. The fact is that problems happen when communication does not happen. Listen to your spouse, she may be complaining about small things that hide a big pain.

Loneliness can drive a couple to despair. Emotional intimacy demands that the couple should talk, go for date nights and take vacations together and so on.

Family Planning. It is good to plan your baby according to your wish. After all, you are the ones who have to provide for her and look after her. Enjoy each other before you commit to parenthood. It is a beautiful emotion but it does bind and change you for life.

Parenting Help. Take the help of your extended family. Parents, siblings and friends with children may be happy to help you find some “we” time. Create date nights, surprise each other and relegate the little munchkin to her own bed.

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Your relationship should remain strong and the sex should slowly become important again as that is the bond that will create the basis of an even stronger spousal relationship. You will be able to face fears together and see dreams for your future in tandem.

Next Child? Ideally, there should be a gap of 3-5 years between children. This helps in giving parents time to recover from the travails of caring for a new baby.

The bond can regain its warmth and sex lives can come back to normal.

Final Words

Nature has endowed us with the ability to gain pleasure from sex and no woman should be denied her share. Sex leads to procreation but is not limited to that function only. Revel in your womanhood and take pleasure in yourself and your man!

Orgasms are a woman’s right and you must work towards achieving one. Talk to your partner about it. It will not only make your marriage stronger, but it will also maintain intimacy between you.

So go ahead and spice up your relationship with great sex and multiple orgasms.

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