Welcome to Extra-Marital Club (Part 1)
Extramarital affair occurs when a married person engages in sexual activity with someone other than his or her spouse. From a different perspective, it also applies to a single person having sex with a married person.
If you are stuck in an unhappy or unsatisfying marriage (due to various reasons under the sun) and are not enjoying a good sex life with your spouse at all (again due to any reason under the sun!), what are the options available to you?
(a) Option 1. Wait for your partner to get turned on (in the absence of love, of course) and reciprocate with the same feeling. Many times, however, the victim partner keeps waiting!
(b) Option 2. Watch porn movies on X-rated websites and masturbate any number of times. Why let your body cry for sex? However, with the Himachal Pradesh High Court’s ban on porn movies in 2018, even that option is snatched from the holy cows (Indians)!
(c) Option 3. Try your hand in the extra-marital game where all the rules are against you and you will be punished by law!
Real Life Incident
A wife confronts husband over the extramarital affair, set ablaze in front of 8-year-old son.
In a shocking incident, a man in West Bengal allegedly killed his wife by setting her on fire when she protested against his extramarital affair. The act of violence took place in front of the couple's eight-year-old daughter, who was locked in a room by the accused when she screamed and tried to help her mother.
A 39-year-old man allegedly thrashed his wife and then set her on fire on Tuesday, 26 Mar 19 after she protested against his extramarital affair, the incident happened in front of the couple's eight-year-old daughter, in West Bengal's Liluah.
Rupali Karmakar, the 33-year-old victim, had suffered 80% burns after her husband poured kerosene on her, and set her ablaze.
The accused, Samir Karmakar, was arrested after the wife gave a statement to the police in a critical condition, after which she died, reported the Times of India.
According to the latest information, Sameer locked their daughter, a student of the third standard, when she started screaming.
In her statement, the girl said as quoted by the Times of India, "My mother asked for drinking water when my father set her on fire. My father had warned me against giving her water and had dragged and locked me in a room. I started screaming and banging on the door. Hearing me scream, my grandmother came and opened the door. But my grandfather and aunt held me back from trying to help my mother."
Later, neighbours rushed the victim to Howrah District Hospital. The hospital superintendent, Narayan Chatterjee told media, "The patient was brought with 80% burns. We shifted her to the ICU and tried to save her, but she died in the morning."
We strongly feel that the foundation of an extramarital relationship is laid at a very young age of one's life and the parents are responsible to a great extent for the same.This issue results directly from the following problems which are applicable for both boys and girls:
1. Forced Education: Parent's Illogical Dreams. Every parent feels that only those kids (particularly boys) who get admission into IITs and AIIMs deserve to have a decent life. The rest will end up doing nothing but beg on the streets. They start dreaming about their children cracking the entrance exams of IITs and AIIMS in the first attempt itself. They start pumping their life's savings into this dream without even evaluating whether their child actually has the competence and skill to crack those deadly exams. Also, with their money invested in the fees, their expectations keep soaring to unimaginable limits!
In this whirlwind of expectations, parents forget their own childhood, youth, and the achievements they made in their life. They conveniently forget that no two students are the same.
Basic Instinct. Some person has got an instinct for Engineering, some has got it for Medicine, or Commerce, or Arts. If a student realises it and wants to study Arts or Commerce, but his parents force him (since it is observed more in the case of boys) to take Engineering or Medicine and prepare for either IIT or AIIMS right from class 9th itself, what will be the result? That student's struggle will start from a tender age of fourteen itself.
Round the Clock. The student will try to cram up formulas and equations to survive classes 9th to 12th, will spend 8 hours in school, then 4 more hours in evening tuitions for Physics, Chemistry, and Maths (or Biology), as if nothing taught in school was relevant. Then, the student is expected to study overnight like Batman and cram up the whole book by morning.
Result Time. His/her caliber is exposed entirely in the Competitive Entrance Exams. The whole world comes to know if he/she will be forced to pick up a stream in class 9th or will be allowed to choose a stream as per his/her choice.
Longest Cycle of Struggle. In short, from class 9th till reaching a university, the student keeps struggling and manages the pass with a decent grade somehow. Again, this adversely affects his campus job placements. If he doesn't get a good job, he will surely not get a good wife through thearranged marriage scenario!
The above-mentioned cycle continues through class 10th, followed by class 11th and 12th. Some students even drop a year or two after class 12th. If they manage to get into a good university even, the rat race starts again. A good grade after 4 to 5 years (for an Engineering or a Medical course respectively) of hard work will ensure a good campus placement, followed by a good job, and will help in a getting a beautiful wife too.
Moral of the Story. All childhood and youth is lost in the race that starts from class 9th all the way up to getting a job.
2. No Sex Education
The story mentioned above clearly defines the most important part of one's life. In the culture of our subcontinent, a great taboo is attached to sex, and a young adult’s priorities are made very clear from class 9th itself. It's the age when the body starts developing hormones and the person slowly enters into the zone of adulthood.
Responsibility to Teach. Parents don't believe in educating their kids about sex and feel that sex education is the responsibility of the school where they would eventually be taught about it. Whereas, school authorities feel that it’s the responsibility of parents to teach their kids about sex.
Bond 007. Kids have their own ways and means to find out the answers to all the queries related to sex which crop up when they see actors and actresses getting intimate on television or in cinema.
Confusion. Confusion regarding sex starts getting into their heart and crotch. But their mind dissuades them to think about sex, even though the heart and the crotch aren’t thinking about anything but sex.
Internal Conflict. The heart and the crotch want you to initiate a friendship (or more) with the opposite sex, so as to clear the long-pending doubts regarding the anatomy of the human body. But your mind draws up a boundary conditioned by your parents to concentrate on cracking IITs and AIIMs exams. No mingling of any sort with the opposite sex is entertained. If you are smart, you have to find a way to go about it without getting caught.
So, an internal battle starts between the mind on one side and the heart/crotch on the other. The battle is fierce and relentless until the time the person engages in pre-marital sex or finally experiences the wedding night.
Resultant Conflict. Try to understand life's dilemma. You don't understand the subjects that you have been forced to select by your parents. Your heart and your crotch demand sexual exploration, but you just cannot do either of the two. The only thing you are allowed to do is to keep your face hanging over an open book and salvage your life between exams somehow.
Infact, those who select the subjects by their own choice enjoy studying hard and don't mind sacrificing the demands of the heart and the crotch
Double whammy! By the age of 15 years, all doubts related to one’s sexual preference are clear in one’s mind. A girl is supposed to get attracted to a boy and vice versa. If you have sexual preferences which are socially unacceptable, may God save your soul. Your problems have just been multiplied. Not only do you have to fight an academic conflict but a sexual one too!
Moral of the Story. You have not chosen the subjects of your choice. Now you cannot listen to your heart or crotch either. You still have hope and time if you just make a decision to love yourself and live life on your own terms.!
Additional Restrictions for Girls
Fair and Lovely. In India, if you happen to be a girl, you need to be fair and beautiful, thanks to the many irrelevant advertisements for fairness creams which pump in millions of rupees by glorifying the importance of fair skin. The impact of these advertisements is so intense that even some boys don't hold back from trying these creams.
In short, either you be fair and beautiful, else your father will have to give a hefty dowry during your wedding.
The Great Restrictions. Due to the taboo attached to sex and the invisible fears in the minds of a girl's parents, she is not allowed to talk to any boy she knows throughout her single life.
She is not allowed to meet anybody by herself.
She is not allowed to wear short clothes or clothes of their choice, for the fear that a boy will see too much of her skin.
She is not allowed to even touch, let alone kiss or have sex with, another boy.
Sex Education is just a no-no and is covered adequately on this blog before!
Girls (and to some extent boys too) are not allowed to have a serious relationship with the opposite sex, even when they become legal adults.
They are not supposed to have night-outs or enjoy with their friends.
Social Pressures. In addition to the above, we also need to acknowledge the fact that parents never want anything bad to happen to their daughter or son. It is, more often than not, the society's unreasonable pressures and their own experiences since adulthood, that generally lead to a situation where both families (the girl's and the boy's) end up doing something, they had never imagined. Many a time, its fear in the minds of the girl's or the boy's parents as mentioned below:-
"What if our girl decides to marry someone outside of our community or religion? How will we face the society's uncomfortable questions?
What if she gets physically involved with someone and gets pregnant before marriage? What will society say? Who will take responsibility for both? What if the boy refuses to marry her upon realizing her state of pregnancy?
(In case of more than one daughters in the house) What if my elder daughter, who has a Muslim boyfriend, decides to marry him? How will society react to it? Who will agree to marry our younger daughter/ daughters then?
What if our daughter-in-law doesn't give us the proper respect and care that we expect from her?
.... and so on.
Moral of the story. So many baby girls are aborted or killed at birth. If they still survive and enter this world by some means, they are ensured a suffocating and throttled life, right from their birth to their last breath.
3. Forced Arranged Marriage
Ready for Marriage? Even after surviving school exams, struggling through university exams, and managing to get a decent job, you get no respite because your parents immediately make it their next mission to find you a suitable ‘arranged spouse’. Congratulations, you’re getting married, whether you want it or not.
Scenario 1. Due to a forced education and subsequent struggles at school, followed by a rigorous time at the university to barely clear exams with passing marks, you never got the time or dared to cross the line of your family's restrictions (more valid in the case of girls). After reaching the golden period of marriageable age, you are left with no option but to accept your parents’ choice of an ‘arranged spouse’ for you. If you eventually get to liking your spouse, good! But if you don't like your spouse, may God save you. Your chances of joining the extra-marital club increase to a peak because the bug of love is still inactive in your heart and you will eventually be compelled to try a love-bite stunt outside of your marriage, even after 35 to 40 years of it too!
Scenario 2. You loved someone, but your parents didn't allow you to marry that person for the differences between you two in terms of caste, religion, region, etc. Then, you were forcefully married off to someone you don't like—never liked the person ever since you first saw them, and neither at a later stage—due to general incompatibility. This problem leaves a very big dent in the victim's mind, which increases the chances of him or her joining the extra-marital club at a very early stage.
Scenario 3. During your school or university days, you started caring for, and subsequently loving, someone. If that person is accepted by your family (due to any reason under the sun such as the same cast, religion, region, etc.), you can at least live with the peace of mind that you loved someone and married the same person. But even that doesn't guarantee you the exclusion from the extra-marital club.
Some Pending Questions
Should we assume that forced arranged marriages and the consequent marital incompatibility are the main reasons for extra-marital affairs?
Should we blame the parents (who happen to be under immensely illogical social pressures) for forcing their sons and daughters to quietly accept proposals for an arranged marriage for the sake of a fake social dignity, and silently endure an unhappy marriage and an unsatisfactory sex-life?
To be continued in Part 2
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